Instead of giving some unemployed citizen a job the owners of a restaurant in Japan hired two monkeys.

Yes you read that right, two monkeys.  two fucking monkeys!

Yes that really is a tragic gimmick.

The poor monkeys.

I’m stumped.

Although it would be rather fun to have a monkey bring me a drink.

I want a slave monkey!

See the video here

We are all doomed

I will happily admit that I was plodding on, paying little attention to this Credit Crunch.  Yes, I know the basics as I work in an indusrty where it is mentioned quite a bit, most notably the hysteria of American Insurer AIG almost going down the shitter.

But I can’t say it seemed to effect me too much.  Well that was until Friday.

Picture the scene chaps & chapettes.

It’s Friday, a few friends are coming round so me and the other half take a trip to ASDA.  We decide it is a good time to get the weekly shop, which we usually do on a Sunday.  We also purchase alcoholic beverages for the social gathering we are having.

Obviously, the drink makes the shop a bit more expensive, I see it coming, I’m cool with that.  No sweat.

Now up until a few weeks ago our weekly shop cost circa £75 although it has been creeping up, but nothing too dramatic.  So we spend around £20 on a case of beer and a couple of bottles of wine (yes it was cheap wine but that was her choice), no need in going over board, we had drink in the house.

Me, after shopping

So picture the disgust on my face (basically something like Jean-Luc there) when the kind woman on the till asked us for £144 pounds.  I retched and a little bit of sick came up.  I then went into a sort of trance, you know the like, when something plays out in your head and it all seems so real, then you snap back to reality.  The trance involved jumping over the counter, smash up the till unit, stealing some cash and bolting out of the supermarket all happy (and slightly crazy) like.

Fortunately I am of a stable mind.

Anyway, we didn’t buy anything that we wouldn’t normally (apart from a packet of Oreos, they are mighty good, you could even say kingly and they were only 73p, hardly bank breaking).  So if you take away the £20 for alcohol, that’s £124.  Circa £50 dearer than normal.

Ok it has been creeping up a bit, it’s not up £50 from last week but fuck me, it’s still a big jump.

That’s what you get when you have an inept cunt in charge of our money, well done Gordon Brown.  You fucked up when you were chancellor and now we are having to pay through the nose because Northern Rock and Bradford and Bingly have gone down the pan.

You bail out the fuckers who ballsed up their respective companies by nationalising them and passing the bill on to the public.

Also selling all our gold was a good idea eh?  But it’s Ok, the Bank of England will just pump shit loads of money into the system to keep it going.  Where does the money come from?

And yes I will moan about it, and yes I will vote.  But the Tories will be just as bad.  And the Lib Dems are a party full of twats.  BNP are ever so slightly racist so they’re out.  Who to vote for?

And yes I realise this rant is probably ever so slightly scewed in the fact that there are other factors but fuck it.

I’m skint and not happy.

Tony - Makes Kids Fat

If you have kids, do not, I repeat DO NOT subject them to Tony the Tiger.  He WILL make them morbidly obese.

That’s the verdict of Which? who found lovable Tony, along with trio Snap, Crackle ‘n’ Pop, Moo (Dairylea) and Quicky (Nesquik) help promote brands that are bad for you kids, turning them into whales.

Now I’m not doubting this, in fact I do believe that these brands are bad for kids, I mean come on, Frosties contain over one third sugar.  Dentures in an instant to be honest.

But christ surely parents are strong enough to say no to kids?  I detest these parents who let there kids get to stupid weights and then blame everyone/thing but themselves.

I remember seeing a story in the newspapers a while back.   Young lass was the size of a bus (I’m talking double decker bus here).  The mother claimed the daughter was so fat because she couldn’t afford to buy healthy food yet, she bought mountains upon mountains (I’m talking the size of Kilimanjaro here) of junk food, which would have cost, by my reckoning, more than some fruit and veg and other healthy food.

On top of that the girl wouldn’t exercise.  Why?  Because she was too fat.

God Damn you Tony the Tiger!

I had the pleasure of viewing Righteous Kill tonight, a movie starring Al Pacino, of my favourite actors, and Robert De Niro.

Now don’t worry, there are no spoilers here as I utterly detest them (hey, that might appear on here tomorrow as a rant) but I will just say, it is a well written film with some pretty good twists along the way.

Now I know a few movie critics slated the film and, at best, said it was average but movie critics tend to be useless, jumped up twats who thinks it’s cool to only like films that no one has ever heard of.  To put it simply, most film critics are snobs.  If you happen to be a film critic, feel free to prove me wrong.

So yeah, a good film which I recommend you see.

The world has gone fucking mad.  This is a totally bizarre story.  Yes the University of Manchester has “de-gendered” its Students’ Union toilets.

Female toilets (if the PC Brigade will let me say that) are now toilets and male toilets are now…wait for it… Toilets with Urinals.  Seriously, what the fuck is that all about?

Well, allow me to explain.  The Uni received some complaints from transgender students so, they decided to take action to tackle transphobia.

A womans officer, Jennie Killip, gave the following explanation to the BBC;

“If you were born female, still present quite feminine, but define as a man you should be able to go into the men’s toilets – if that’s how you define.

“You don’t necessarily have had to have gender reassignment surgery, but you could just define yourself as a man, feel very masculine in yourself, feel that in fact being a woman is not who you are.”

Fuck off love.

A Students Newspaper then decided to, correctly, criticize the arrangement.  Spokeswoman for the paper Susannah Birkwood said: “The toilets have been provided for men who don’t self identify as men and women who don’t think of themselves as women.

“Whether or not this is political correctness gone mad.. because it certainly seems that way to some members of our student community.”

Anyway it would appear Union Officials have decided to ignore the majority and push on with making permanent signs.

Yup, the PC Brigade is at it again.  Utterly bonkers.  What next?  No really, I’m asking you what next?

It could be anything…

My bet?  You will be banned from taking a shit in a public, possibly de-gendered toilet, incase you offended anyone with the pungant aroma you may leave lingering.

And if you want to read the whole article, with accompanying video of a rant by a complete weirdo, click here

Pat - Raped by modernism?

Check it out

Apparently Postman Pat has had a wee make over, including a new job, mobile phone amongst other crap.

Now tell me, why the fuck did they do that?

Suppose this follows on from my cover songs rant, why don’t people just leave the classics in the past instead of messing about with them and ultimately destroying them.

Pat will never be the same again now to be honest.  All those childhood memories will be tainted.

And the children of today will grow up think Pat is a supercool with his mobile.  Piss poor.

Now lets go back to the good old days.

And lets never speak of this shenanigans again.

Yes, the Earth is flat!

The Earth is flat?

I’m sitting here on this lovely Sunday evening, surfing away when I come across this absolute gem.

Apparently there are people still of the view that the Earth is flat.  Despite space pictures and what not showing other wise, these crackpots are convinced it is nothing but a conspiracy theory.

They reckon that the Earth is totally flat and looks like the picture above.  Also it is 9000 km deep.

Lets here from one of these guys.

Step forward Mr John Davis, a “Flat Earth Theorist”

Mr Davis claims;

“People are definitely prejudiced against flat-earthers,”

“Many use the term ‘flat-earther’ as a term of abuse, and with connotations that imply blind faith, ignorance or even anti-intellectualism.”

“I came to realise how much we take at face value,” he says. “We humans seem to be pleased with just accepting what we are told, no matter how much it goes against our senses.”

He is not alone in this, oh no, there are more of these guys.  James McIntyre is part of the Flat Earth Society discussion site (yeah I thought it was sad too).  This guy views it  a little differently from the first fruit loop but his view is equally absurd.

“The Earth is, more or less, a disc,” he states. “Obviously it isn’t perfectly flat thanks to geological phenomena like hills and valleys. It is around 24,900 miles in diameter.”

Well done Jimmy.

Not content with that he continues with this bullshit, claiming that a flat earth can explain why ship go missing at sea.

So Mr McIntyre, what of the photos of earth, taken from space, showing the earth is in fact spherical?

“The space agencies of the world are involved in an international conspiracy to dupe the public for vast profit,”

Indeed.

An why has no-one ever fallen off the edge of the Earth?

“This is perhaps one of the most commonly asked questions,” he says. “A cursory examination of a flat earth map fairly well explains the reason – the North Pole is central, and Antarctica comprises the entire circumference of the Earth. Circumnavigation is a case of travelling in a very broad circle across the surface of the Earth.”

Righty then.

So there you have it.  Conclusive proof that the Earth is flat and and it all just a conspiracy to drive profit.

It doesn’t happen too often but I am pretty lost for words.

Time for these freaks to go back into their cages or where ever the fuck they came from.

The ONLY reason to watch X Factor

There are countless reality T.V. shows which I could slate, but I will focus on the X Factor.

As well as listening to an endless stream of cover versions last night (see here), I also had the joy a watching The X Factor before hand.

I you didn’t have the joy of seeing it, lets recap what happened;

A load of wannabes are crammed it the O2 Arena and 4  “judges” assess their (lack of) ability to sing.  They were then told to fuck off home or they were through to the holy grail that is the next round.

Simple really.  Ohhhh nooo.  The guy Simon Cowell, cunt of the highest order, then decided to tell one third of the “singers” he put through to pack up and leave.

So there were tears and joy, some of these guys are now in with a chance of becoming a forgotten man/woman by the end of the year.  At this point I would you to leave a comment if you can name any previous X Factor Winner.

And it was over.  Thankfully.  90 minutes of pure unadulterated shite.  My ear were bleeding, my eyes had been assaulted by some of the horrors, I was near to ending it all (by smashing up the TV so it could never grace my screen again)

Were there any highlights?

Yes, one of the male contestants sang a song, then inexplicably burst out into tears.  I was informed by the other half that it wasn’t because he was a big girls blouse, rather it’s because singing is him dream.  He should give up then because he wasn’t very good.  A dream is all it will ever be son, leave it there.

I remember the time I burst out in tears when I was picked for my school football team, it was my dream and all.  Exactly, didn’t happen.  The boy clearly has issues.

The only other highlight was the delightful Cheryl Cole.  Yes, she almost makes this pish bearable.  And it’s an excuse for a picture of the rather lovely lass.

Cover versions, what is the point?

You know what I mean, some new age “Dance Music” act covers a classic, instantly raping the original.  I would give examples but it would mean this would turn into the never ending post and I don’t want to subject you to that.

But lets be honest, 9 times out o 10 they are shit.

OK. I give in and will give one example, the mess that is Amy Winehouse covering Valerie.  The Zutons must be gutted.   Perfectly good song destroyed by some jumped up producer (yes Mark Ronson you cunt, I mean you) and a smack addict.  Super(!)

I have been sat tonight with my other half, and a few friends (mine and hers) and all that seemed to come out of the stereo was covers.  They were shit.

The only good cover, and this is a fact, is the Travis cover of Hit Me Baby One More Time.  That’s it.

So please, no mark “Dance Artists” et al, please stop doing cover versions.  You rape a perfectly good song.   You make my, and many others, ears bleed and it will get to the stage I need to hunt you down.

Leave good songs in the past.

Now lets all sit back and listen to the soothing sounds of Bob Marley.

Ahhhhhhh…….

Are they just there to make up the numbers?  Will they seriously ever challenge for leadership of this country?

And does “leader” (term used loosely) Nick Clegg really believe the shite he spouts?

He wants Government to be able to take action against Supermarkets who sell booze at a loss.  He want their to be a minimum price.  It will stop drink related violence you see?

All fine and well you may think.  Wrong.  It would appear that Mr Clegg lacks any sort of common sense.

Fair enough there is alcohol related violence.  But at the end of the day it is your general fuckwit yob on the town on a Saturday night, thinking they are the bollocks after a few pints.  Will raising the price of alcohol stop this?  No?  Why?  Because as much as Mr Clegg would tell you otherwise, these yobs will still drink.

And what of the responsible drinkers or the wee OAP who likes a wee wiskey every now and then.  Well, we get penalised because the minority who can’t handle a pint.

At the end of the day, binge drinking will still exist even if alcohol is made more expensive.

Maybe if the yobs were punished properly for their actions, alcohol related violence would drop?

And you wonder why the Lib Dems bring up there rear in the polls.